The 5 stages of grief: how to face them?

How long does it take, and what are the steps to grieve?

The grieving process is a normal journey for human beings following a major trauma, such as death, the loss of a loved one, job loss, the end of a romantic relationship, etc.

The loss of a loved one can be a very violent trauma. The loved one has disappeared and life will never be the same again.

However, the human brain has developed mechanisms of reconstruction that allow us, little by little, a return to normal life.

These mechanisms were studied and formalized in 1969 by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book 'On Death and Dying.' She studied 200 patients who had just learned they had a terminal illness, and she followed and formalized the different stages they went through and how they gradually came to accept it.

The model was then generalized as a 'general functioning' of the human brain's reconstruction in response to traumatic events such as the loss of a loved one, a dismissal, or a breakup, for example.

This is why bad news, whatever it may be, is generally 'pre-announced,' so that the human brain can begin its grieving process in a less brutal way than if the bad news had been announced suddenly without preparation.

The 5 stages of grief

1. Denial

   This phase involves consciously or unconsciously refusing to admit the reality that has just been announced.

   The person may seem absent or lost in their thoughts, disconnected from the present reality.

   This phase is usually short but intense.

   Among the two hundred dying patients we have interviewed, they reacted in a similar way with this phrase, “No, not me, it can't be possible." - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

2. Anger

   Once the reality of the situation is no longer contestable, the anger phase begins. The person may experience a feeling of anger or injustice towards themselves or others, such as the medical team, for example.

   If a person you know has just suffered a bereavement, it is important to be aware of this phase so as not to be surprised or take personally any violent change of behavior on their part.

   When denial is no longer possible, it is replaced by a feeling of anger, rage, and resentment in patients. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

3. Bargaining

   This is a more spiritual phase where the person will attempt to find alternatives to bring the person back, such as turning to God or a higher power.

   This phase is linked to the realization of one's powerlessness, but the hope of going back is still present. It is essentially a phase of illusion.

   In our non-public interviews, we were surprised at the number of patients who promised to "dedicate their lives to God" or "to the service of the Church" in exchange for more time. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

4. Depression

   During this phase, the individual begins to accept the situation. The person realizes that it's inevitable, that there is no going back and no higher power can change it. Therefore, the person plunges into deep sadness, or even depression.

   This stage is usually the longest, and there can be steps back to bargaining or anger. It can seem endless as the emotions can feel insurmountable.

   It's important to stay close and supportive of people in this stage as they tend to isolate themselves and cut themselves off from the world, sometimes significantly.

   The terminally ill patient can no longer deny their condition. They must face increasing tests and hospitalization. When they notice more and more symptoms or become weaker and weaker, they can no longer laugh at it. - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

5. Acceptance

   This is the final stage of the grieving process. The person accepts the situation, resigns themselves to it and begins to rebuild towards a normal life.

   The person begins to regain their energy and comes out of their isolation. Life is reorganized without the lost person.

   If the patient has had enough time and has been supported during previous phases, they reach the final stage of grief. During which they are neither depressed nor upset about their "fate". Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Getting help with your grief

If the grief is too intense and you are having difficulty coping, do not stay alone. There are many associations that can provide you with free help.

There is also extensive literature on the subject that could help you:

• Living Grief Day by Day, Dr. Christophe Fauré, 2018

• Healing a Grieving Heart, Doreen Virtue, 2019

• Exiting Grief, Anne Ancelin Schützenberger, 2008